I've Lost My Zen ...

I’ve Lost My Zen

It’s been quite a while since I felt different in my skin. So many thoughts in my head but yet so little energy in my body. Don’t get me wrong. Thank God I am a healthy woman with some overweight. I sometimes feel like I have accomplished nothing … well it’s not only the feeling, I can see it clearly, I have not accomplished anything big during my 37 years stay on this Earth.

I have overcome difficult times growing up, like everybody else. I have failed at new endevours, like anybody else. I have fallen and risen on several occations, so this time is no different from before. The only difference may be that I’m writing about it, in my native “Spanglish” language.

I don’t want to bore anyone by talking about my past. It already past so let’s leave it in the past. It has shaped me the person I am today but not necessarily will determine the person I am tomorrow. But, who exactly is this person in the present? I have no idea!

I read, I write and I analyze my everyday surroundings, putting much though in things that interest me and ignoring those that don’t. Nothing new, everybody may do that as well. But what is very difficult for me is to read myself, write about myself and analyze myself so I have a better understanding of what my life is about.  What I mean is I have no idea how to surpass this impass I’m going through.

I do feel bored. Honestly, doesn’t anyone at any point in their lives? Bored of the everyday angst towards work, relationships, health, religion, body image, money problems, social issues, and so many other themes that have become our daily bread. But why is this phenomena so common? I don’t know … I may guess, but I honestly don’t know. I’m no scientist nor an expert on this matter, but I am part of this matter.

So why do I think I lost my zen? Nothing in me is balanced right now. Weight, work, love life, money, emotions … nothing. And I’m a Libra if you believe in those things! According to zodiac-signs-astrology.com, Libras “are the ones that always want to make things right and have balance and harmony in their life, their surroundings and the lives of the people close to them”. Have balance and harmony? Want is a better word. Desire, cherish, strive for are better words. Doesn’t anybody have or want balance and harmony in their lives?

So anyways, I don’t want to make this a long loooong essay. All I wanted was to express what I am going through, what I am feeling. I’m pretty sure many others have dealt with this or are dealing with it right now. If you are or have, welcome ... you're not alone!